There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize
