And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
