could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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