End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
