how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
