Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Randomize
