Banned from zoo.
Again?
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
