I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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