I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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