I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
