i permit you to call me
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize