Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
Randomize
