Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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