Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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