I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
