my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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