If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
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