It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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