I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this hospital has no fireball
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
