Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
