I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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