It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
