my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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