Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
