party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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