it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
