I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize