he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
My vagina is very pro this idea
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
