so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
he just told me he'd rather go to the pirates game. i know it was desperate but i said id give him roadhead if he let me come along.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Woke up backwards on a recliner
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
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