I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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