I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
