My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
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