can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Randomize
