life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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