Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
