you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Randomize
