she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
