Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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