Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
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