don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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