I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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