Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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