I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Randomize
