the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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