New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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