the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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