This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
