Sry I called you an 8
you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
