Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
