You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize
