dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize