i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
