fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
They took my balls.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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