I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize