in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
