hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Randomize
